The 2%

WARNING: THIS POST IS ABOUT PREGNANCY LOSS

I didn’t know if I was going to write this.

At first, there was no way I could. But after some thinking, I decided that it was something I needed to do. When I was going through some of the hardest days of my life, I found comfort in other women’s stories. I found strength in their strength. I saw how they had grieved, processed, and were able to move on. Reading other women’s stories was personally very helpful for me in knowing that I wasn’t alone. Pregnancy loss is SO common. Unfortunately, I experienced two consecutive pregnancy losses in the past 4 months. This is much less common. Only about 2% of women have two consecutive pregnancy losses. But I’m here to share my story with you and hopefully provide you with the hope & strength you need to keep moving forward.

I found out I was pregnant at the end of September 2020. I was pregnant for 4 days. When I went to the doctor for blood work, my HCG levels were very low. Later that day, I ended up going through the most painful “period” of my life. I learned after that what I went through is often referred to as a chemical pregnancy. I was physically pregnant and my body began to give off HCG levels, but it was not a viable pregnancy from the start. My body ended it within the first week and had I not taken a home test, I probably would have just thought I was a few days late (besides how painful it was for me.) 

We were sad about this loss, of course.

But we knew that it was SO common. Something like 30-50% of women experience chemical pregnancies and many don’t even know that it’s happened to them. We saw this as something we could move past fairly quickly. We would start trying again as soon as possible. The probability of having another loss following a chemical pregnancy was extremely low, so I was confident that once I was pregnant again it would be successful. 

I found out I was pregnant again on January 2, 2021. We didn’t get excited right away, because of what had happened last time. We wanted to wait and make sure we were out of the chemical pregnancy window. Once we were, we celebrated. I made it to 6 weeks, 7, then 8. I was feeling very sick in the morning, extremely exhausted, and other symptoms that made me confident that things were going well. My first ultrasound was scheduled for when I was about 8.5 weeks. We went in and were told there was no cardiac activity. I was only measuring at 7.5 weeks, so they said my dates could possibly be off because of the previous loss, and maybe it was just too early for the heartbeat to be showing. 

I did bloodwork that day for my HCG levels. I went back 3 days later for more bloodwork. At this point in the pregnancy, my levels should have at least doubled. Unfortunately, mine had slightly dropped. I was diagnosed with an unviable pregnancy. 

This one hit hard.

Not once, but twice, we had thought we would be having another child and it was taken away so quickly. 

I think the hardest part for me was everything that you get excited about. You start talking with your partner about names, what color to paint the room, what the baby will be for Halloween, and how by Christmas you’ll have another addition to your family. I thought about how I would announce it. I was excited for my son to have a sibling. Having that reality taken away is hard. Knowing that there is a baby inside of you that has stopped developing is hard. 

My only advice is to talk about it.

Talk to your partner or if you don’t have one, someone that you trust about how you’re feeling. You may need to be alone (I definitely needed a few hours to myself), but don’t make it long-term. Find support, talk through, and process your feelings. It will get better. 

My grief has come in waves. There have been some moments I am at peace and others when I am uncontrollably sobbing. But the waves get smaller over time and easier to deal with.

It’s been about a week and a half since we found out the sad news, although it feels like so much longer. Today I had more bloodwork to ensure that my HCG levels were still dropping, and then one more ultrasound tomorrow just to make 100% sure that the baby is not viable. I opted to have the D&C procedure, which is set for this Friday.

Personally, I chose this because I knew how painful it was to go through the first loss naturally. I can feel my body returning to its normal state pre-pregnancy and I have no symptoms anymore, yet my body is showing no signs of naturally expelling the baby. I don’t want to wait months for my body to catch up with what was going on while my body and mind otherwise felt normal. I feel like I need this to move on. 

We will be trying again for our second child.

I was told that there is nothing to worry about as of yet, even following two losses. I have had one successful, healthy pregnancy, and I shouldn’t have a problem. Sometimes I can’t help but feel like there is something wrong with me, but I’m trying to stay positive and take it a day at a time. 

I know it’s never appropriate to say “at least you already have a child” to someone who just went through what I did. BUT, I have felt so beyond grateful for my son these past few months – I can’t even put it into words. Before I got pregnant with him, I was told I had a lot of scar tissue in my abdomen from past surgeries that gave me a 10% chance to conceive naturally. Not only did I conceive naturally with him, but I have conceived two other times. And although they ended in loss, I can’t help but count my blessings for what odds I have defied. This is the strength I need to keep moving on. I know that I will be given a child when the time is right, and until then, I will wait (as patiently as I can).